Oldest

Today Owen woke up one day older than Jackson. Our baby boy leapfrogged his big brother and became our oldest son. We showed him videos of Jackson, who he loves to see, but for the first time found ourselves stumbling over our words (“This is your big brother – err, brother”), realizing that in several years, Owen might even come to think of Jackson as his baby brother.

For two years we’ve enjoyed seeing glimpses of Jackson in Owen – a fleeting expression, a similar antic, or a familiar sounding of a word. Each clothing and toy rotation, we’ve had the bittersweet experience of immersing ourselves in old memories as we bring out yet another storage box of used t-shirts and books. This month I pulled out our very last boxes, and felt the grief of “no more boxes”, much like the grief of “no more photos.”

Up until now we’ve also enjoyed the confidence that comes with second-time parenthood. We’ve journeyed through the familiar textures of babyhood and early toddlerhood, relying more on our instincts and memories than the parenting books we used to pour over. So much of Owen’s life has been a welcome déjà vu, without too many surprises.

This morning when Owen leapfrogged his brother and was promoted to “oldest”, we simultaneously leapfrogged backwards, reverting back to first time parents to a child 2 years 10 days old – and counting. From here on out, we are back in uncharted territory. I find myself googling things like “when do toddlers drop their nap”, “when to stop using a sleep sack”, and “how to respond to tantrums.” I also find myself asking for advice from the same newbie mama friends who used to ask me for advice, back when I had the oldest child. It’s disorienting, but death doesn’t play by the rules of “natural orders.” In theory, children outlive their parents, sibling orders are fixed, and if you have been a parent for 5 years then you should have a 5-year-old to show for it. But for many families like ours, reality doesn’t play out accordingly.

But here’s the thing. We are so glad that Owen will keep growing. We never want him to stop growing. And perhaps being first-time parents to a growing young boy, and eventually a growing young man, will be a gift of its own. I’ll miss easily picturing Jackson as a big brother, and yet I trust that we will all continue to adapt to the ever-evolving shape of our family in the years to come. We will keep finding ways to help Owen feel connected to his forever-two-year-old brother.